


A Gentleman's Guide to Jäger Ladies

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 16:09:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2627882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, young man.  You've set your heart on Jenka, Mamma Gkika, or some other lady Jäger?  Make sure you avoid the potential pitfalls and read this advice first!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Gentleman's Guide to Jäger Ladies

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Jaegermonster Dating Guide](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/83552) by elyandarin. 



> I... really have no idea whether this is me writing as myself or a first-person account by Mr Wooster. His nineteenth-century style is starting to come to me so easily that it's a little blurred. And I can just see him quietly helping to patch up importunate men who got on the wrong side of Jenka through misplaced affection.
> 
> Can we claim shared authorship? :-)

I have been asked to write this little guide primarily by Jenka, whose precise words on the matter were “hy reckon it vill schtop a few younk men from makink eediots of themselves.” However, I also wish to thank Mamma Gkika for her contributions, which were shorter but, as one might expect, very much to the point. I am further grateful to a number of gentlemen who wish to remain anonymous, but whose experiences have gone a long way to illustrate what not to do. I can assure you that they are all perfectly all right now, except that one of them does still walk with a limp.

First of all, let us be perfectly clear what sort of ladies are referred to in this guide. I do not intend any of this advice to be applied to the so-called Jägerfrauen, who are, of course, human, and should therefore be treated in much the same way as any other lady of your acquaintance. I refer to actual female Jägers, who are relatively uncommon; most Jägers, as you will be well aware, are male. This perhaps goes some way to explaining why it has previously been possible to find advice for young ladies wishing to know how to conduct themselves in a romance with a Jäger, but, until now, there has been nothing for young gentlemen in the same position. However, I have helped to patch up enough ill-advised young gentlemen to be very much aware that this advice is needed, and so, insofar as I can, I give it here.

The most important thing is to understand exactly whom you are dealing with. A Jäger lady is not some sensitive shrinking violet, and if you attempt to treat her as one, she will not be flattered; indeed, she is more than likely to put you right in definite and probably very physical terms. Remember, gentlemen, she is several times stronger than you, she is almost certainly old enough to be your several-times-great-grandmother, and she has a very low tolerance of nonsense. If you find that at all daunting, then you would do well to conclude that a Jäger is not your ideal romantic prospect and look elsewhere.

If, however, you are the type who is attracted to strong and potentially dangerous women, then a Jäger may be your ideal match; however, you should still proceed with some caution. Approach her as you would a lady of rather higher social standing than yourself, and do not rush in. After an initial meeting, by all means ask if you may see her again, but do not make hasty assumptions even if she says yes. She may very well be merely curious. Once you do see her again, a small gift is not inappropriate if you wish to make one, but it is best to avoid flowers. A Jäger may absent-mindedly eat them, and this can make for bad feeling. Chocolate usually goes down well, as it does with most humans, but a bottle of wine is generally your best bet. Do not be tempted to raise your eyebrows if she drinks it all on the spot. Jägers have a very high tolerance of alcohol, and she will be quite unaffected unless she has already been drinking heavily.

Your next step is to persuade your Jäger lady to accompany you on some excursion, in order for you to be able to get to know each other better. Following the unfortunate experiences of Herr K--- W----- of Mechanicsburg, I cannot recommend too strongly that you avoid the music hall, the local beer festival, or any other place likely to contain boisterous crowds. If a fight starts, the object of your affections will be in it before you can draw breath, and she will not hesitate to throw furniture if anyone draws a weapon on her. For the sake of your sanity, therefore, take her somewhere at least reasonably quiet. A rural walk is always charming, or perhaps a boating trip; or, if you have sufficient funds, you could secure a box at the opera, where, even in the unlikely event that an argument breaks out in the stalls, you will at least be able to keep your beloved from turning it into a full-scale fracas.

At some point, you will probably find yourselves eating together. When you do this for the first time, I suggest you make it a picnic; this will enable you to gauge for yourself how you would be likely to cope in a restaurant. Jäger ladies do normally eat with rather more decorum than their menfolk, but, honestly, that is not saying very much. They also have very healthy appetites. On the bright side, no Jäger lady will ever give you any trouble over not being able to eat some delicacy you have prepared for her on the grounds that she is on a diet. Jäger ladies never diet. They keep themselves in trim through plenty of healthful exercise, which primarily consists of regular fights.

If you have successfully taken her on a number of pleasant excursions without disaster, and negotiated your way through a couple of restaurant meals, and she still shows interest in you, now is the time to consider taking the relationship to the next level. (This advice, naturally, would not apply in England; but I am not certain whether or not there are any Jäger ladies there.) You are ready to consider a goodnight kiss when you part company on her doorstep. However, if she considers you to be too forward, she will not hesitate to let you know, and since this may be painful, the best way to do it is to be somewhat circumspect. Take her hand, raise it to your lips, and kiss it gallantly. She cannot possibly object to this, and then if she wishes for any further kissing, she is in a position to encourage you. If she does not... please, gentlemen, take the hint. The Jägerkin are not a subtle race.

I have actually been asked how one should go about making a proposal of marriage to a Jäger lady. After consulting with both Jenka and Mamma Gkika, my unequivocal advice is: don't. If you wish to marry your Jäger, the correct etiquette is to wait for her to ask you. I realise that this goes against everything that you, as a gentleman, have been taught; but, consider. She holds all the cards. She will easily outlive you, for a start. She is not only stronger than you, but faster, tougher and more apt to heal from any major damage. Not only that, but she has very many Jäger men she could choose from, should she so wish. However, if you are absolutely certain that is what you want, it would be as well to prepare yourself by learning to do simple domestic duties, for you may be certain that if she does decide to marry you, you will be doing them.

Even if marriage is not on the cards, you would be very well advised to take a course in basic first aid. If anyone annoys your Jäger lady, you are much less likely to get into trouble on her behalf if you can help to repair any damage caused, and, besides, it is only polite.

Finally, I must conclude with the advice of Herr R------ von B----- of Sturmhalten, who has allowed me to quote him under his initials: “Never, in any circumstances and no matter how drunk you are, attempt to grope a Jäger.” Of course, it should really go without saying that one should not attempt to grope any lady whatsoever, but Herr von B----- admits that he was heavily inebriated at the time. (That was not quite the phrase he used, but no matter.) He is the gentleman who is still walking with a limp. Enough said, I think.


End file.
